The Christmouse Mystery
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A cast of mice and humans feature in our play for Christmas. The setting is an English country house. The mice who live in the house are as excited about Christmas as the human occupants.
Among the humans, Archie plans to ask Edie to marry him. Not everyone is pleased by the match. His mother, Lady Margaret does not wish to lose a son. His cousin Rupert, the black sheep of the family, thinks he should inherit the family fortune. Edie's guardian, Aunt Millicent thinks that Archie is soft in the head.
Downstairs in the kitchen, the maid Flossie fears that her family will go hungry for Christmas, and the cook, Mrs. Scratchit has no sympathy. The mice are hoping to pick up a few crumbs.
Just as Archie is about to propose to Edie, the engagement ring goes missing.... Has it been stolen? The American visitor, Murray Buckley, decides to play detective.
Written for Storynory by our own Elizabeth Donnelly. With the voices of Elizabeth, Jonathan Rigby and Johan Munir.
"We Three Kings" arranged and sung by Gabriella Burnel, with James Hewins on base and Jay Vadukai on percussion.
The Christmouse Mystery
SOUNDS OF SCUFFLING AND PANTING
Morris.
(hurried)Come on. This way to the conservatory. Quickly!
Doris.
(out of breath) I’m scuttling as fast as I can.
Morris.
Just around this corner. We can peep through the crack in the skirting board.
Boris. (unfit/heavy breathing)
Slow down.
Morris.
Come on!
They arrive out of breath.
Doris.
So what am I looking at?
Morris.
There. See? It’s the shiniest thing I’ve ever seen.
Doris.
(GASP)What a lovely ring!
Morris.
Shhh! Listen to the humans! Master Archie’s saying something.
sound effect indicating switch from mice world to human world
Archie and Rupert in the conservatory on Christmas Eve morning.
Archie (with enthusiasm and teeth)
It was Grandmother’s engagement ring. Father gave it to me this morning.
Rupert
Must be worth a pretty penny.
Archie
So aren’t you going to wish me luck, Rupert?
Rupert
Whatever for? You’ll be set up for life! You’ll have Edie and the house. And before you know it a few little sprouts tearing up the place. Who will keep me in my old age?
Archie
Oh don’t be so daft you old fool! I’m hardly going to boot you out now just because I’m getting married.
Rupert
Hmm...(beat.) When are you going to ask her?
Archie
Well Edith and her aunt arrive this evening, but I thought I’d wait ‘til tomorrow morning. An extra special Christmas present!
Rupert
Christmas Day eh?(faintly ironic)What a perfect time to pop the question.
Archie
Yes it is rather isn’t it. I thought I’d recite my favourite poem first, before doing the deed.
Rupert (wearily)
What’s that?
Archie
One by Lewis Carroll. It’s called, “You are old, Father William”
Rupert
(Mutters) How romantic! Just right for a lovely young girl.
Archie
What?
Rupert (still muttering)
Trust you to make an ass of yourself.
Archie?
What?
Rupert
Spot on for a proposal I’m sure.
Archie
Would you like to hear it? It’s ever so good.
(recites at pace, enthused, finding the poem hilarious)
You are old, Father William', the young man said,
'And your hair has become very white;
And yet you incessantly stand on your head --
Do you think, at your age, it is right?'
SNORTS WITH LAUGHTER
'In my youth', Father William...
Rupert (interrupting)
Best save the rest for Edith old chap.
Archie
Very good
--------
TRANSITION EFFECT.
FOLLOWED BY THE SOUND OF SCRATCHING
Doris.
shhhhhhh! I can hear something.
Boris.
Sorry. I just need to make this hole a bit bigger - too many mince pies.
Doris.
Shhhhhhh! not you. One of the humans is crying.
Morris.
We’re all here. So it can’t be us this time.
Doris.
Come on we’d better take a look.
Boris.
I told you I’m a bit stuck
STRAINING NOISES. Eeuuuuuuugggh! SIGH of relief
Morris.
There we go. Where to?
Doris.
It’s coming from the kitchen. I hope it’s not Flossie. Mrs Scratchit’s always so rotten to her.
Boris.
She’s rotten to everyone!
SCUTTLING NOISE.
TRANSITION EFFECT
In the kitchen.
CHOPPING. BOILING. SOUND OF SOBBING.
Mrs Scratchit.
(refined cockney) Well I’ve no time for this I tell you. There’s far too much work to be done. Can’t have you sitting here sobbing when there’s potatoes what need peeling.
Flossie.
(Yorkshire) I am sorry m’am it all got t’better o’ me (sniffing). Father’s too poo-erly to go to work and what with mother’s one eye and the thirteen babbies - there’ll be nowt for Christmas dinner. So I was only asking if you’d lend us a potato. Mother can do wonders meking food go further. That way they’d all have a bite to eat see - well just one, of the potato.
Mrs Scratchit.
(outraged) I(“Eh”) can’t be seen to be handing out food willy nilly. Who’s to say it’d stop there?
Flossie.
Oh but Mrs Scratchit! Christmas won’t be Christmas without a potato!
Mrs. Scratchit.
Now listen here young Flossie. I’m orf to speak to Jeffreys about the butcher’s boy, but when I come back I expect to find them potatoes one hundred percent peeled and no two ways about it! ...and don’t think I won’t be counting them!
DOOR SLAMS.
Flossie sobs.
SERVICE BELL RINGS.
Flossie.
Dear me! Where is everyone? Milly won’t be back for ages. And Molly’s in bed with a head cold. (calling) Mandy? Mandy?. I suppose I’d better go upstairs. What a fine state I’m in for it.
--------
TRANSITION EFFECT
Doris.
Come on then. Back to the conservatory.
Morris.
Now you’re just being nosey.
Doris.
When has that ever stopped you! Anyhow I bet Master Rupert’s up to something.
Boris.
He’d certainly got the pip about the proposal.
Doris.
Fancy not being happy for Archie.
Morris.
What a bounder!
------
TRANSITION EFFECT
In the conservatory.
Flossie.
Yes sir?
Rupert.
Ah Flossie! just the ticket. I was hoping you’d come.
Flossie.
What can I do for you Master Rupert?
Rupert.
Well I’m in a bit of a funk old girl and in need of some cheering up.
Flossie.
I doubt I’m the person for that sir.
Rupert.
I’m not so sure about that! A pretty young thing like you.
Flossie.
Pardon Master Rupert?
Rupert.
My life’s in ruins Floss. Have you heard the news?
Flossie.
No sir.
Rupert.
Archie’s finally going to ask Edith to marry him. He’s got the ring from Lord Henry. A fine thing it is too. Oh Floss that ring would have been mine if father hadn't got me crossed off the inheritance list. But now once Archie’s married he’ll be next in line for the house and I’ll have to stay here with nothing while the twit lords it up over me.
Flossie.
Well things could be worse sir.
Rupert.
How so old girl? This house would’ve been mine.
Flossie.
At least you’ve summit to eat this Christmas. Mother’s got thirteen mouths to feed and three more on the way.
Rupert.(to himself)
Wow she really does pop them out.
Flossie.
Mrs Scratchit wouldn’t give me the leftovers to take home. Y’know sometimes I wonder what to mek of it all. I work every hour God sends and still me family’s back at home with nowt to eat.
Rupert.
I’m sure we can see to that.
I’m so glad you’re here. I fear Christmas will be rather dull this year. The guests will be descending upon us soon and then there’ll be no escape.
Wait a minute I do believe that is a sprig of mistletoe hanging over the door.
Flossie.
Master Rupert, behave yourself.
Rupert.
Just one kiss Floss, it is tradition!
Flossie.
I’d lose my position if anyone saw us.
Rupert.
Have it your own way! Oh it’s all so unfair. If my father hadn’t disgraced himself by running off with the circus. I’d be heir and I’d make you Lady of this house.
Flossie.
Oh don’t talk so daft.
Rupert
But as it stands I’m stuck here living off the charity of my tedious relatives with not a penny to my name.
CRASH! (from afar)
Is Lady Margaret at it again? God help us all!
Flossie
That’ll be the fifth vase she’s thrown at Lord Henry this week!
---
TRANSITION EFFECT
Dorris.
Did you hear that crash?
Morris.
Shall we take a look?
Boris.
At this rate they’ll be no china left by Boxing Day!
Doris.
Boris!
Morris.
Come on slow coach!
Boris (unfit)
Coming!
---
TRANSITION EFFECT
Lord Henry.
I can’t see what you’re making all this heavy weather about.
Lady Margaret (stammering through tears)
How can you be so insensitive?
Lord Henry.
I really think you’re over-reacting darling.
Lady Margaret.
I’ll give you overreacting! CRASH
Lord H.
Good Shot!! You almost got me that time.
Lady M.
You’re a brute if you can’t see how wounded I am.
Lord H.
You will still see him every day.
Lady M.
How could I expect you to understand? I am losing my son to another woman!
Lord H.
Well he is 36.
Lady M.
Thoughtless! that’s what you are! I should never have let you give him that ring! (LOUDLY) You’re insufferable! SMASH!
Lord H.
(nonchalantly)Was that one ming?
Jeffreys.
(coughs in the doorway) huh huh.
Excuse me, sir, m’am. The Buckleys have arrived.
Lady M. (with angelic calmness)
Very good Jeffreys. We’ll receive them in the drawing room.
Jeffreys.
Yes m’am.
Lord H.
You’d better buck up darling.
Lady M.
Go and boil your head!
-----
CRUNCH OF FOOTSTEPS ON GRAVEL.
Boris.
Oo look there’s a woman approaching who’s being eaten by a fox!
Doris.
Don’t be silly that’s her scarf.
Boris.
Eeeuuugh!
Morris.
Looks like he’s eaten a few foxes though!
Doris.
You mustn’t be rude!
----
CRUNCH OF GRAVEL
Murray Buckley.
Gee whizz honey! This sure is something!
Imelda Buckley.
Oh Murraykins! Isn’t it beautiful. I could just picture us living here. beat. Can you get me one?
Murray Buckley.
A Jacobian manor?
Imelda.
Sure!
Murray Buckley.
uumm...
Imelda.
Pleease?
Murray.
Oh heck! why not? anything for you sugarlips.
Smmmmmmmmoooch!
Imelda.
(with delight)
Oh Murray!
Jeffreys. (from nowhere, disapprovingly)
Good afternoon
Murray B.
Oh hey there fella. Fancy creeping up on us like that!
Jeffreys.
(drolly)
Yes. Fancy. (beat.) Lord Henry and Lady Margaret expect you in the drawing room. Jenkins will see to your luggage. If you’d like to follow me.
Murray B.
(under his breath)
Do you think he’s an original feature of the house?
Imelda.
(whispering and stifling laughter)
Shhhh You’ll get us sent to the tower or something!
---
SCRATCHING
Morris.
Come on then - back to the drawing room. The festivities will soon be underway.
Doris/ Boris
Right-Oh/Coming!
----
Lord Henry.
You will be on your best behaviour Margaret. It is Christmas after all.
Lady Margaret.
I don’t know what you mean. You’re the one that’s been utterly beastly since breakfast.
Jeffreys.
The Buckleys, sir.
Lord Henry.
Ah yes. Thank you Jeffreys.
Imelda.
Oh isn’t this divine. Is it very old?
Jeffreys.
A mere 400 years.
Lady Margaret.
(to Imelda)Oh you mustn’t take any notice of Jeffreys. Servants are such snobs! (laughs).(To Jeffreys) Be a darling Jeffers and bring us up some tea.
So... You’re both looking splendid.
Murray.
Why thanks. You know Imelda and I are so excited to spend Christmas over here. I mean we travel a lot you know. Like last week we did Europe and the week before that we did Asia, but you know there’s something about England we really love,
Imelda.
Just love it!
Murray.
I mean we’re staying here for two days!
And you know I was just saying to Imelda that the house just looked so great on the drive up here, wasn’t I Meldy?
Imelda.
yeah. beat. what?
Murray.
I was just saying. You know like one of those Christmas picture cards, covered in snow.
Imelda.
yeah. in snow.
Lord Henry.
You’re too kind.
Murray.
But what’s new with you kid? The cook tried to poison your soup? The footman run off with your daughter?
Imelda.
Murray quit kidding about. He’s been reading a lot of these British detective stories.
Lord Henry.
No! I like a chap with a sense of humour. Afraid not dear fellow. Only excitement on the cards is that our son Archie is finally going to pop the question to Edith Harvey, something he should have done years ago if you ask me. I gave him my mother’s ring this morning.
Lady Margaret.
And I wish he hadn’t! You don’t have children yet do you Imelda? But I’m sure you understand.
Imelda.
Sure. beat. (excited) What kinda ring?
Lord Henry.
Rather a rare one actually. My mother inherited it from her grand-mama. Something they came across in India. Absolutely priceless of course. Sapphires and diamonds. Tremendous looking thing. (with charm)Would match the colour of your eyes.
Imelda
(coquettish)
Oh Lord Henry. Do you really think so?
Lady M. (to Murray)
He never says nice things like that to me.
Lord Henry.
Well I don’t think they make engagement rings in blood-shot red.
Lady M.
I was quite a looker before I married him you know.
Lord Henry.
Yes it’s all my fault. beat. That she’s so hideous. We only let her out on special occasions.
Lady M.
Oh do desist Henry. Nobody else finds you funny.
Jeffreys.
The tea m’am.
Lady M.
Thanks Jeffers. Over there if you would. (to Imelda) A bit of a fossil but when it comes down to it he’s a love really!
-----
SCRATCHING
Doris.
Oo look at those cakes.
Boris.
Do you think there’re more in the kitchen?
Morris.
Come on!
Doris
We’d better be careful. You remember what happened last time Mrs Scratchit caught us.
Morris.
Poor Uncle Horace.
----
Kitchen. boiling and clanging.
Mrs Scratchit.
Now look here Master Archibald I’ll have you know I (“Eh”) run a kitchen and not a tea room. If you’re hungry you can go upstairs and have tea with the others, but I’ll not have you spoiling your appetite picking away down here when I’m spending all day preparing for tonight’s dinner.
Archie.
Oh Nora, be a sport. ...I’ll show you the ring.
Mrs Scratchit.
I (“eh”) ‘ave better things what to be doing with may time than gawping at rings and the like. Tide and time wait for no man young Archibald!
Archie.
Be a pal. What about a slice of bread and jam? No? Or, a taste of that cake mixture? (teasingly) I know you want to see it really.
Mrs Scratchit.
It’s very fine I’m sure.
Archie.
Here. Take a look at this! (opening box)
Mrs Scratchit.
Well I never! Can’t say my Albert, Gawd be good to ‘im, ever gave me anything like that!
SERVICE BELL RINGS
running footsteps.
Flossie. (from off)
They’re here. They’re here.
Archie.
Sounds like Edith’s arrived. Oh crikey! I’m awfully nervous all of a sudden!
Flossie bumps into Archie who is standing behind the door.
Archie/Flossie
Oh!! (Bumps into Archie)
Flossie
I’m sorry Master Archie. I didn’t see you there.
Archie.
Did you say Edith’s arrived?
Flossie.
Yes with her aunt Millicent.
Archie.
Golly! well best get going.
Mrs Scratchit.
Aren’t you forgetting something?
Archie.
Right. yes! thanks!!
Flossie.
Even the box is beautiful. Lucky Edith! SIGH
Archie
See you later girls.
Mrs Scratchit.
Girls indeed! the cheeky young upstart. I’m a married woman I’ll have you know.
----
Doris.
Oo i want to have a look at Edith. She always looks like a princess.
Boris.
But, the cake...
Morris.
Time to go Boris, you spend your life eating!... This way! I know a shortcut to the front of the house.
Boris.
No, but...
Doris.
Keep up Boris!
----
CRUNCH OF FOOTSTEPS ON GRAVEL.
Aunt Millicent.
This is the last time I let you drag me orf on holiday Edith! We could have been perfectly happy spending Christmas at home. And now you’ve brought me out to this godforsaken place, full of half-wits I’m sure.
And as for that driver leaving us at the end of the lane to walk through bogland and who knows what else- I’ve never been so insulted in my life. Why there wasn’t a car waiting for us at the railway station is beyond me. Some welcome I must say!
Edith.
Oh please try to enjoy the holiday Aunt Millicent. It’ll be lovely to have so many people to spend Christmas with.
Aunt Millicent.
And I’ll say this once and once only. Don’t be getting any ideas about that Archibald Winterbury. He’s a dimwit if you ask me.
Edith.
Oh Aunt Millicent how can you be so unkind?
Aunt Millicent.
I’m concerned for your future happiness my child. Until you are married, you are my responsibility. I owe that much to your mother and father, god rest their souls.
Edith.
Well I’m determined to have a lovely time and I wish you were too!
Aunt Millicent.
Impertinence doesn’t become you Edith!
Archie.
(Shouts from afar)Edith!
(standing next to her)How are you my sweet? You’re looking ravishing. as ever. snorts
Edith.
Thanks Archie. You always say the nicest things!
Archie.(cautiously)
Aunt Millicent!
Aunt Millicent.
snarls audibly
Lord Henry.
Lady Wentworth, Miss Edith. Delighted to see you. Do come with us. I’ll introduce you to the Buckleys, they’ve just arrived.
Lady Margaret.
How do you do?
Millicent.
How do you do?
Lady Margaret.
I hope you had a pleasant journey.
Edith.
Oh yes thank you.
Millicent.
What rot! It was far from pleasant.
Edith.
At least we’re here now.
Lady Margaret. (escorting the guests inside)
Yes. Do you know Murray and Imelda Buckley?. Henry and I met them at the Fetherstonhaugh’s in the autumn.
Millicent.
Can’t say I’ve had the pleasure.
Lady M.
We were all gathered in the drawing room, when all of a sudden, one of their terriers took a fancy to Imelda’s mink. Next thing it started to chase her about the room! So Henry, stepped up to play the gallant hero and tackled the poor mutt, taking Imelda down with him. You should have heard her screams as he tried to prise the dog off her. The expression on Lady Fetherstonhaugh’s face was quite a picture!
Anyhow, we’ve been pals ever since. They’re a lovely pair. He’s made his money in cars and her father owns the biggest sweet factory in America.
Millicent. (unimpressed)
How fascinating.
Lady M.
And here they are.
(introducing) Lady Millicent Wentworth and her ward Edith Harvey. Murray and Imelda Buckley.
Millicent.
How do you do?
Murray.
Oh we’re just fine honey!
Lord Henry.
Do sit down ladies.
Murray.
So girls where have you come from today?
Millicent. (indignantly)
We have travelled up from London, where we reside.
Imelda.
Oh I do love London, such a glamourous place don’t you think? Everyone’s so... (hesitates to complete the sentence acknowledging Millicent)...attractive.
Millicent.
snarls
Lady Margaret.
Ah Rupert! Glad you could join us. I think we have the full set.
Rupert.
Good evening everyone. (noticing Imelda) I don’t think I’ve had the pleasure.
Imelda.
(charmed)Imelda Buckley
Rupert.
Rupert Winterbury. Resident black sheep.
Archie.
Come on coz. No need for all that.
Rupert.
All what? I was just introducing myself to this charming young lady.
Murray.
My wife.
Rupert.
Oh lucky you. Didn’t realise matey. Silly me.
Archie.(whispering)
I say Edith, would you care to see the Christmas tree?
Edith.
How ripping!
Millicent.
Yes that sounds delightful, thank you Archie. How kind of you.
Archie.
Well, I...
Edith.
Aunt Millicent you must be tired after the long journey. Why don’t you sit here a while?
Aunt M.
Nonsense. I’m fresh as a daisy.
Archie.
Flossie and Jenkins did a splendid job with the decorations.
Aunt M.
Lovely! lead the way...exit
Murray.
Do you think she did that on purpose?
Imelda.
What?
Murray.
Stopped the couple from being alone together.
Imelda.
Oh.
Lady M.
Of course she knew what she was up to. Remarkable woman.
Rupert.
Who’s for a drop of fizz?
Lord Henry.
Splendid idea!
Imelda.
Oh just a little.
Lady Margaret.
Thank you Rupert.
Murray.
Gee thanks!
Rupert.
I propose a toast. To Aunt Millicent, a good egg!
Lady Margaret.
Rupert darling not too loud.
whispering
To good old Aunt Millicent!
Imelda.
I don’t get it!
Lord Henry.
Down the hatch!
-----
Morris.
I think it’s time we went back down the hatch.
Doris.
Yes we don’t want mother and father to worry.
Boris.
Oo do you think we’ll have carols? Mother said she’d sing my favourite if we were good.
Morris.
Let’s find out.
Scratching and panting
Mother mouse
Oh there you are darlings! we wondered what’d become of you.
Morris/Boris/Doris.
Sorry mother!
Father mouse
Yes we’ve all been waiting. Sit yourselves down.
Morris/Boris/Doris - Yes father!
MUSIC Rag-time Christmas carol sung by mother mouse
Boris.
That was topping, mother!
Mother Mouse
Thank you Boris. Now all of you off to bed. The sooner you go to sleep, the sooner it’ll be Christmas.
Morris.
Goodnight Mama.
Mother.
Goodnight Morris.
Doris.
Goodnight Mama.
Mother
Goodnight Doris.
Boris.
Goodnight Mama.
Mother.
Goodnight Boris. Sweet dreams!
Boris. Oh goody! I don’t care much for savoury dreams. I hope I’ll dream of Christmas cake and peppermint humans!
Doris.
I’m so excited I don’t know if I’ll be able to sleep.
Boris. Snores
Morris and Doris.
(laughing) Boris!
Goodnight!
---------
Church bells chime.
Morris.
whispering
Doris! Doris! It’s Christmas!
Doris. (sleepy)
mmm?
Morris.
Wake up! It’s Christmas Day!
Doris.
gasps with delight. whoopee!
Morris and Doris.
(an excited whisper) Boris! Boris!
Boris.
snores contentedly
Morris.
Maybe best to leave him, he seems happy enough.
Doris.
Yes, he’s probably dreaming about food.
Morris.
Most likely!
Doris.
Oo I wonder if Archie’s proposed yet. I hope we haven’t missed it.
Morris.
Let’s go upstairs.
Doris.
Oo yes! I’m so excited!
-----
SCRATCHING
Doris.
Look it’s Lady Margaret and Archie.
Morris.
I wonder why they’re not with the others.
------
Lady Margaret.
What was it you wanted to tell me Archie?
Archie.
I’m in a bit of a fix Mama. You saw what happened yesterday. Aunt Millicent wouldn’t leave Edie’s side. How am I meant to propose if I have no time alone with her?
Lady Margaret.
Perhaps that’s not such a bad thing darling.
Archie.
Oh but Mummy! you know I want to marry Edith more than anything. Couldn’t you help me? It’d make me so happy!
Lady Margaret.
Well,(sigh) if that’s what you really want. I was planning on giving the guests a viewing of my latest sculpture. I’ll do it after breakfast and that’ll get everyone out of the way.
Archie.
Oh thank you Mother! you’re such a brick!
Lady Margaret.
Anything for you my darling boy!
------
Doris.
Fancy Lady Margaret helping Archie propose.
Morris.
She’s certainly changed her tune.
Doris.
It is the season of good will.
(They laugh.)
Morris.
Let’s follow them to the breakfast room.
Dorris.
You lead the way.
----
Lady Margaret.
Good morning everyone! and Happy Christmas!
Lord Henry.
Yes Happy Christmas.
Edith.
Oh I do love Christmas.
Murray.
Happy Christmas!
Rupert. (unconvincing enthusiasm)
Season’s greetings one and all!
Lady Margaret.
I propose that as the first activity of the day, I give you all a private viewing of my latest nude sculpture. It’s a self-portrait.
Lord Henry.
Couldn’t it wait? We’ve just eaten.
Lady Margaret.
I have been slaving away in my studio for some months and I’d love to share with you the fruits of my labour.
Imelda.
How liberating!
Rupert.
Ra-ther!
Millicent.
Did she say nude sculpture? That confirms it. I am spending Christmas with a group of depraved bohemians. Heaven help us all!
Archie.
whispering
Edie! Stay here.
Edie.
What?
Archie.
Let them go off!
As group exits
Aunt Millicent.
This is obscene.
Rupert.
(with delight) Yes. Isn’t it?
Edie
Archie, shouldn’t we join the party? Your mother did seem keen for everyone to be there at the great unveiling.
Archie.
Oh no. trust me , it’s fine.
I’ve been desperate to have a minute alone with you since you arrived. Now I’m not really sure how to go about this.
Edie.
About what? Archie you’re shaking.
Archie.
Am I? oh yes. Silly me.
Well, the thing is you’re a smashing girl Edith and well, I’m ever so fond of you.
Edie.
Are you Archie? Oh how lovely because, I’m fond of you too.
Archie.
Oh really? Well that’s marvellous because you see... over the years you’ve always been the one girl for me. No-one else comes close and you see... If you’d just look at the Christmas tree for a moment.
Edith.
Look at the Christmas tree?
Archie.
yes. if you would.
Edith.
Very well.
Archie.
(seeing box is empty)GASPS (shocked)Dash it!
Edith.
Something the matter? Should I still be looking at the tree?
Archie.
(confused) Just give me two ticks.
Edith.
Whatever’s happened? (seeing the box) gasp Oh Archie!
Archie.
Oh now I’ve blown it! Made a complete hash of this one, Edie. An utter botch-up!! In fact I don’t think I could have made a bigger dog’s breakfast of it if I’d served up pooch porridge and mongrel marmalade washed down with lashings of labrador tea!
Edith.
What’s wrong?
Archie.
The engagement ring. It’s gone. See the box is empty!
Edith.
You were going to ask me to marry you? Oh Archie!
Archie.
I don’t understand. I’ve had it with me at all times since father gave it to me yesterday.
----
Morris.
Who’d have thought it? Someone’s stolen the ring.
Doris.
But who would do such a rotten thing?
Morris.
A few names spring to mind, but we mustn’t point the paw just yet.
---
Service bell rings
Archie.
I’ll call for father, he’ll know what to do.
Edith.
You sure it’s not in your pocket?
Archie.
I’ve turned them inside out. It was safely in its box last time I looked.
Flossie.
Yes sir.
Archie.
Ah Flossie. Could you fetch Lord Henry. I’m afraid it’s rather urgent.
Flossie.
Yes Master Archie. I’ll bring him here at once.
Archie.
Oh blast it!
Edith.
Try to keep calm Archie, I’m sure we’ll get to the bottom of this.
Archie.
I feel such a fool. Rupert said I’d make an ass of myself.
Lord Henry.
Archie. whatever’s the matter?
Archie.
Oh Father. I’m in a bit of a jam. please don’t be cross. I know you said to guard the ring with my life.
Lord Henry.
yes.
Archie.
well it’s gone.
Lord Henry.
Gone?
Archie.
I had it with me at all times. Slept with it on the night table last night. But I opened the box just now to have one last look for luck, and found it was empty!
Lord Henry.
Heavens dear boy!
Edith
Should we call the police?
Lord Henry.
On Christmas Day? Hmmm. No it must be in the house. No-one’s left the house in the last 24 hours so if someone’s taken it it must still be here. I’ll ask Jeffreys to search the servants’ quarters.
Archie.
Do you really think one of the servants took it?
Lord Henry.
I’d like to think not. But it seems a sensible place to start.
Lady Margaret.
Something the matter darling? I wondered where you’d got to.
Lord Henry.
A bit of a situation on our hands. It seems the ring’s been stolen.
Lady Margaret.
Stolen? How’s that possible? You only gave it to Archie yesterday.
Aunt Millicent.
Did I hear correctly that there’s a thief among us? Edith that’s the last straw. I demand that we leave immediately!
Lord Henry.
We request that everybody stays until the ring is found.
Aunt M.
I hope you’re not accusing me of theft dear boy!
Lord Henry.
Of course not Lady Wentworth. We only wish that we all remain together until this is resolved.
Edith.
Please don’t take offence Aunt Millicent. Besides, there won’t be a train until after Boxing Day.
Aunt M.
grunts indignantly.
Murray.
Why is everyone looking so glum? Did Santy-Claus not bring you what you wanted?
Lord Henry.
There’s been a theft. The diamond ring’s been taken.
Imelda.
Taken?
Lord H.
So we ask that everyone keep calm and stay together.
Murray.
Is this a game? I do love a good mystery.
Lord H.
Afraid not dear chum. Archie’s just discovered the ring has gone.
Archie.
I was ever so careful. Didn’t let it out of my sight. Except for when I was sleeping.
Edith.
bursts into tears
This is all so awful. And I was so looking forward to Christmas.
Archie.
Oh you mustn’t cry Edie!
Rupert. (slyly)
At least it’s livened things up.
Jeffreys. (aside to Lord Henry)
Lord Henry, luncheon will be served presently.
Lord Henry.
Very good. Thank you Jeffreys.
Rupert.
Come on then I’m not letting this get in the way of my goose!
Archie.
I say coz! you are being rather heartless.
Rupert.
No need to get shirty. Just famished, that’s all.
Lord Henry.
Ladies and gentlemen. This is a tricky situation to say the least. The police have been called but until they arrive we’d like to carry on as normal. It is Christmas after all. So if you’d care to follow me, luncheon is served.
Imelda. (whispering)
Who’d have thought it? Do you think it’s someone in this room?
Murray. (whispering)
Definitely!
---
SCRATCHING
Morris.
Oo Christmas lunch.
Dorris.
Let’s see if we can catch some crumbs! Boris will be sorry to have missed this.
Morris.
Have you worked out who it was yet?
Doris.
Haven’t the foggiest.
-----
Lady Margaret.
Well I know this is all a bit of a shock. But I wanted to thank you all for joining us this Christmas nonetheless. I’m sure the thief will be caught in time, but until then, I’d like to raise a toast to our guests. Good health!
Lord Henry/Lady M./Archie
Good health!
Rupert.
Nora’s done us proud. This looks magnificent.
Murray.
Funny that you’re so hungry Master Rupert. Oh yes I didn’t see you at breakfast. Late night was it? ...Waiting for Archie to fall asleep so that you could CREEP INTO HIS ROOM?!
Rupert.
I beg your pardon.
Archie.
I say dear fellow I hope you’re not accusing Rupert. He may be slovenly but he’s no thief.
Rupert.
Thanks Arch!
Murray.
“The resident black sheep” was how you introduced yourself, the disinherited heir. It all makes sense. You wanted to make a few bucks and get the heck out of here.
Imelda.
Murray dear, what’s come over you? I’m so sorry everyone!
Lady Margaret.
Really Mr Buckley. Please refrain from making accusations.
Murray.
I’m not accusing anyone honey. I’m just speculating to see who here has a motive.
Aunt M.
Well I think it’s quite inappropriate, especially while we’re lunching.
Murray.
Well maybe that’s because you’re not quite as innocent as you look. A seemingly respectable old lady...
Aunt M.
I beg your pardon!
Lord Henry.
Yes steady on dear fellow.
Murray.
But you made it quite clear you didn’t want Edith to have anything to do with Archie.
Aunt M.
This is preposterous!
Murray.
So perhaps you stole the ring to prevent the engagement.
Aunt M.
How dare you!
Lady Margaret.
I must apologise for this Lady Wentworth. Please Mr Buckley you’ve gone too far.
Murray.
Or have I? You changed your tune rather quickly Lady Margaret. Yesterday you were praising Lady Wentworth for preventing the couple from being alone together.
Archie.
Is this true mother?
Murray.
And today you encouraged it, taking us for a viewing of your sculpture, giving Archie the perfect opportunity to propose. Why would you do that unless you knew there would be no proposal?
Lady Margaret.
This is incredible! I refuse to dignify that with an answer.
Lord Henry.
My dear fellow. This really isn’t the time or the place.
Murray.
I haven’t crossed you off the list yet Lord Henry. You complained that there was little excitement in your life, so who’s to say you haven’t set the whole thing up? (having an epiphany) Yes that’s it! You invited me and Meldy along knowing we love a good mystery and planned the whole thing. (excitedly) Honey the whole thing’s a hoax. (realising) Aha! And to prove it... that isn’t your real hair Lady Wentworth. Lady Wentworth is in fact...
Millicent.
high pitched yelp!
Take your hands orf my hair!!
Murray.
Maybe I got a bit carried away there.
Imelda.
Murray you’re embarrassing me.
Jeffreys. (aside to Lord Henry)
Lord Henry, the servants’ quarters have been searched and it hasn’t been found.
Lord Henry.
oh.
Jeffreys
Would you care for the cake now?
Lord Henry.
Thank you Jeffreys.
Murray.
So who’s left? Last but not least, I must come to you my darling. My angel, my honey-bee, love of my life, my sweetness...
Rupert.
Would you hurry up?
Murray.
I know what you’re like babycakes, when you see something, you just gotta have it.
Imelda.
Murray how could you! (bursts into tears)I thought you loved me. And I never even saw the ring.
Murray.
Oh yeah. you’re right. Well then that just leaves (noticing Flossie enter)... yes perfect timing. The maid... Flora or whatever your name is.
Flossie.
Yes sir?
Murray.
I overheard you talking to Jenkins about how hard up your family is. Well a diamond ring could buy a few Christmas dinners could it not?
Flossie.
Pardon sir?
Lord Henry.
Take no notice Flossie. Mr Buckley’s playing detective. We’ve all had a turn.
Flossie.
Well I never! He certainly knows how to insult a girl.
-----
scratching
Boris.
Happy Christmas everyone!
Doris/Morris
Boris!
Boris.
I had such a delicious sleep. Have I missed anything?
Doris.
Have you missed anything?!
Morris.
Quite a lot actually. The ring’s been stolen and now Mr. Buckley is having a go at playing detective.
Boris.
Hold on. Stolen?
Doris.
Yes so far he has accused, Master Rupert, Aunt Millicent, Lady Margaret, Lord Henry, his wife Imelda and Flossie.
Morris.
I wonder who it was.
---
scratch of a record sound effect. RAG-TIME MUSIC
Murray (to listeners).
Who do you think it was?
Was it the jealous cousin, Master Rupert, planning to make some money and run away?
Was it battle-axe, Aunt Millicent, intent on keeping Edith as a companion?
Was it the doting mother, Lady Margaret, convinced that no woman was good enough for her son?
Was it Lord Henry, adding some spice to his dull life?
Was it Imelda Buckley, the girl who just has to have it all?
or was it Flossie, the maid, desperately in need of money to help her starving family?
...or was it one of those pesky mice?
----
Boris.
I know where it’s hidden.
Morris.
You do?
Boris.
Yes and I’ll show you. (excitedly) Follow me!!
Anti-climactic musical refrain in the style of Laurel and Hardy theme tune as Boris waddles very slowly, as is custom, being so fat
Doris.
Can’t you go any faster Boris?
Boris.
Afraid not.
music cuts and dialogue switches back to regular tempo
Morris.(to Doris)
Oo I wonder where the thief has stashed the swag!
Boris.
All will be revealed.
Morris.
...eventually
Doris.
Boris, you’ve just taken us to the kitchen.
Morris.
Was this just a trick?
Doris.
What are you doing? Come out of the larder. What if Mrs Scratchit catches you?
Morris.
I like that very much, I must say. You’ve brought us all the way down here just so you can fill your tum with Christmas cake.
Doris.
Please stop Boris, you’re making an awful mess of it.
Morris.
We should have known he only thinks about his stomach.
Doris.
Now he’s pulling away at something.
Morris.
Must be a sugared almond...Does look good. I think I’ll tuck in.
Doris.
Do they make golden almonds?
realisation
Morris.
Hold on! Surely not...
Doris.
Is that the...?
Morris.
No. It can’t be...
Boris. (pulling it out of the cake)
The ring my dears!!
Doris/Morris
GASP
Doris/ Morris
Oh I say!/ Well I never!
Morris.
But how did it find its way in there?
Doris.
What a cunning thief!
Boris.
Don’t be silly Doris. There was no thief. This is what I was trying to tell you yesterday, but neither of you would listen.
Morris.
Wait! Someone’s coming...back to the skirting board. Quickly!
----
Mrs Scratchit.
GASP
Look at me Christmas cake all over the floor!
Scream
A mouse! Gawd help me!
-----
Morris.
Close shave. So what was it you were saying?
Doris.
Yes, how did the ring end up in the cake?
Boris.
It happened yesterday when Archie was showing the ring to Mrs Scratchit. When Flossie ran in she bumped into Archie, causing him to drop it in the mixture. But as everyone was fussing about Edith’s arrival, nobody spotted it. Except me of course.
Morris.
What an observant little rodent you are!
Doris.
Yes, sozzo Bozzo! We’ll know always to listen to you from now on.
Boris.
Not to worry Dolly, but I think we’d better get this ring back to the humans.
Doris.
Edith’ll be pleased.
Morris.
Even if noone else is! laughs
scratching/ running/ breathless
---------
back in the dining room.
Mrs Scratchit.
(whispering from doorway)
Pst!! Jeffreys! Jeffreys! may I have a word.
Jeffreys.
Excuse me sir.
Lord Henry.
Ah Mrs Scratchit! Merry Christmas! So glad you’ve appeared, Rupert was just saying how delectable your goose was.
Mrs Scratchit.
(troubled)
Thank you, sir.
Lord Henry.
And now we are all keenly awaiting the pièce de résistance, Mrs Scratchit’s famous Christmas cake. I still have fond memories of last year’s.
Mrs Scratchit.
Well that’s just what I come up here to tell you.
Lady Margaret.
Something the matter Nora? You look like you’ve had a bit of a shock.
Rupert.
Get the girl some brandy.
Mrs Scratchit.
As a matter of fact I ‘ave. Just now I went into the larder to fetch the thing - you know how I like to bring it up meself on Christmas Day.
Lord Henry.
Yes Mrs Scratchit.
Mrs Scratchit.
But you’ll never believe what I found.
Lord Henry.
Oh?
Murray.
Was it a murder weapon?
Mrs Scratchit.
The whole thing ruined. Just a heap of crumbs. And what’s more... a family of mice running in and out of it.
ALL.
gasp!
Mrs Scratchit.
My beautiful cake no longer fit for human consumption!
(aside) You may give it to your mother if you like, Flossie.
Lord Henry.
Catastrophe!
Rupert.
This puts that ring nonsense into perspective. Here, ladies and gentlemen, is a real tragedy!
Imelda. (anxious whisper)
Murray! You know I can’t stand mice.
Murray.
Does that mean there’s no dessert?
Millicent.
Edith! I won’t be made to stay. This place is insanitary!
Imelda.
scream
A mouse!
Lord Henry.
Quick Jeffreys, catch it!
Jeffreys.(wearily)
Very good, sir.
Rupert.
It’s running down the middle of the table.
Imelda.
Murray. Do something!
Millicent.
How ghastly!
Rupert.
It’s heading straight for you Archie.
Edith.
(thrilled scream) It’s jumped in his lap!
Rupert.
Too quick for you, dear boy, it’s darted under the table.
Millicent.
Where did it go? The pest must be located. Who knows what it’s carrying! We’ll all contract the bubonic plague.
Archie.
I say!
Edith.
What is it Arch?
Archie.
You’ll never guess what it’s left behind.
Lady Margaret.
Probably best not to tell us darling.
Archie.
Look everyone...!(holds up the ring)
Lord Henry/ Lady Margaret/ Murray
The ring, egad!/ Golly!/ Geez!
Rupert
Good show!
Imelda
I don’t get it!
Archie
The mouse was carrying the ring in its mouth.
Millicent.
Didn’t I tell you it’d be carrying something (laughs to herself, at first loudly, then lessens as no-one else joins in).
Rupert.
Well fancy that. That really was entertaining!
Lady Margaret.
Well I never!
Archie
Now, where was I? (takes a breath)....Miss Edith Harvey would you do me the greatest honour of being my wife?
Edith.
Oh Archie! You’ve made me the happiest girl alive.
Aunt Millicent.
I think you’d better wash that first my child. Can’t have you contracting something before your wedding day!
Edith
Thank you Aunt Millicent!
Rupert.
Aren’t you going to give my new coz-in-law a kiss?
Archie.
Right-o!
Imelda.
Oh Murray! I do love happy endings. It’s like being at the movies.
Murray.
I know you do honey-bunch.
Lord Henry.
Jeffreys, time for the champagne I think. And Flossie is it true about your family going without this Christmas?
Flossie.
Yes sir.
Lord Henry.
Well we’ve enough to feed an army. I’ll make sure a hamper is sent to their home post-haste.
Flossie.
Oh thank you sir. You don’t know what that’ll mean to them.
Lord Henry.
Don’t mention it. Thanks Jeffreys.
Happy Christmas everyone! To Edith and Archie!
All.
Edith and Archie.
Church Bells chime.
-----
Doris.
I’m so glad that all worked out.
Morris.
Me too.
Boris.
Listen to this, I’ve got a joke...
Morris.
Go on.
Boris.
What do angry mice send at Christmas?
Doris.
I don’t know. What do angry mice send at Christmas?
Boris.
Cross-Mouse Cards! get it?
Morris and Doris.
giggle
RAG TIME CAROL PLAYS OUT
THE END
